Providence Cancer System

I am quite new to this. You see, Deb, my wife of 36 years was diagnosed with an "undifferintiated uterine sarcoma" on March 15th this year. She was having difficulty having a BM so she went to see the Dr. She was always resistant to going to the Dr, for any reason, so it took a lot of discomfort in her to go. After finding that she had "fibroids" that were actually somehow pressing against or otherwise blocking the intestines, she was able to "move". The biopsy of these fibroids revealed 3 little words that changed our lives forever - "You've got cancer". Because of the size & type of cancer they (Dr.) moved quickly to get her into treatment. "Our plan is to put you on 9 weeks of chemo in order to shrink the tumor so we can then operate." Well, if you are familiar with this type of cancer, as we now are, you know this approach was akin to winning the lottery ! Initially deb tolerated the chemo rather well, but after the 3rd tx, the signs of weakness were becoming more pronounced. I'm sure that I am "preaching to the choir" here, so I will make this otherwise story shorter. Eventually we could no longer operate our small business & we are now pretty much home bound as I watch the life drain out of my Life Partner. Again I am sure you know what that is like, you are a "survivor", as I soon will be - a "survivor". I guess this is the "unknown country" for me. We were always there for each other, here in a day or 2 or 3, She will no longer be there for me. I feel so alone & helpless already ! Sure, I have made "plans". I have had alternative scenarios of my life play out in my mind for almost 36 years ! Who hasn't ? But now, I have to summon the courage to see which path to walk. The path of a "Survivor". Like I said, I am new to this, I have never lost a wife to cancer before. In fact, there is very little that I have done without her for a long time. As she continues to sleep on her in home hospice bed (& I thank God for these "Mid-wives of Mercy") I begin this new venture of sharing my feelings with strangers on the internet. I continue to listen for the sounds of her impending departure. I pray that the "Train" pulls into the station soon - very soon - as I am running out of tears to shed ! (But there are more - many more to come, I'm sure !) Thanks for "listening" to me. God Bless !

Keith, I'm here for you, through prayers, hopefully, comforting words and just to listen.

God grant you strength, peace and a multitude of blessings in this very difficult time.

Thank you Lynn ! It was another difficult night. Even under all the medication she still wakes frequently during the night & tries to get up ! I just feel so helpless to do anything but sit there, talk to her & hope she falls back to sleep ! I often use that brief time to share a word from a friend & give her even more medication ! I can't see how this can go on much longer, she hasn't eaten in almost 3 fll days now ! But to hear her very loud strong snoring right now makes me question if she is even sick !
Thanks !

Keith, It's so good to see that you have taken the first step of reaching out to get the support you need right now. That will be invaluable to you as you face your grief in the coming days and months. I hope you are also taking advantage of your hospice team, particularly the social worker who can meet with you face to face and provide support and resources for the journey you face. It will be very important for you to share your grief with others who understand, so I would also encourage you to participate in the hospice grief support groups when you are ready.
Rest assured you have already helped someone else by sharing your experience of these last days with Deb. That is the beauty of mutual support for those in grief--you get support and know you are giving it also. Our thoughts here at Providence are with you and your loved ones going through this loss. May you accept the care others are ready to offer.

I am thankful for the tremendous out pour of support from my "Faith Community", Rivers of Grace, & the many people who I am finding out are my true friends. I am thankful for the Hospice Team that are so caring & supportive. You people are a very special breed of helpers ! Very special indeed ! As I sit here at my computer typing this & hear the sounds of my partner worsen, more congestion, more coughing, mixed with the snoring of a worsening sleep apnea ! Yet her face shows a kind of peace that I cannot describe. I feel almost hypocritical crying out - praying for a quick release into the Eternal life that is the Hope beyond this realm of existence. She seems to still hold on - because as friend once told me "Everyone wants Heaven, Nobody wants death". But this "death" that we speak of is not truly death, it is entrance into the next realm of life ! So why does she seem to hold on so ? Please, please, just let go !

Keith. my heart goes out to you and Deb. I'm so thankful you are receiving such wonderful support. Hang on to those people. They are there for you. Letting go is never easy - for either person. Being with Deb and sharing your love is what's important now; and letting her know it's okay to leave. The Lord will receive her with arms outstretched.

God bless you both.

Please know that Deb passed into Eternal Life this morning at 12:50 AM. She was at peace & quietly crossed over. I know that she is with the Lord she served with all that was within her.
I will probably begin to post again at a later time. In the mean time, I thank you for you prayers os support.

I am learning that, to look at life from what I would imagine to be "God's perspective", Life just IS ! It doesn't end, Life just IS ! It will continue on to the next "realm/plane/level" of existence, but it does not end here ! It does not die ! It continues on for eternity ! That is, after all, our "great Hope" is it not ? So, while my Debbie is off exploring her new Life, I am still here trying to make some sense out of mine. As I watched her stuggle to breathe, I realized that she was not trying to take another breath, no, rather she was trying to QUIT breathing ! She was desperately attempting to shed these "earthly bonds" & reach for new Heavens ! It was her old, sick, devestated body that was trying desperately to keep her here - not the other way around ! She struggled valiantly until her Victory was secured ! She fought on to new heights of LIFE - trading her sorrows- trading her pain - for a new life to begin ! She came out the winner ! God Bless & keep her - but please God - make Your Face shine upon me & grant me Your Peace - for it is surely I who will need it most ! - Amen !

Keith, I was so moved by your last blog, I wanted to respond to it, but didn't feel my words were adequate. I feel what you wrote was divinely inspired and expressed a wisdom given to you. Keith, my prayer is that God will give you His peace, grant you strength and give you His purpose for your life. God bless you, Keith.

This has been a real "learning experience"! I am learning lessons, I just have to believe that these are the ones I am supposed to learn ! In my life I have always had a tendency toward learning the "hard way". This is hard enough without my adding too much of my strife with it !
Last night was my 1st night alone. I thought that I would just fall asleep & get up in the morning & move along. Well, I did just fall asleep - several times throughout the night ! I was up for 20-30 minutes at a time, playing my guitar & singing my little heart out ! I used to do that when Deb would go back to PA to visit family. I would get up at all hrs & just howl ! The difference this time is that I know that she isn't coming back to "make me " stay in bed all night ! This time it's just the 1st night of many where I get to "howl at the moon" all I want ! Last night it got tired fast ! I know intellectually & in my heart that "this too must pass", I also know that it ain't going anywhere all that quickly either. I just know that there must be light at the end of this tunnel - I just can't see it yet ! I will keep looking ! God Bless us Everyone !

A Celebration of Life Service was held Saturday night recognizing the end of Deb's life's journey here & it starting "up there"! Friends & Family shared many good thoughts, prayers & memories. My kids & I opened with a favorite Worship song of Deb's "His Banner Over Me is Love", & then my band, J5OM, played 3 songs I wrote covering the past 5 months of her struggle. We closed with one of her favorite Worship songs "Grace Like Rain". It was a powerful, emotionally charged evening that gave testamnent to Debbie's life in words I could not express.. My kids got to say their final goodbyes & I think a real sense of closure was experienced. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & prayers with me during this time. God Bless us everyone !

Keith,

When my father-in-law passed away, one of my sisters in Carmel asked me to ponder what "gifts" he left me in his sufferring and passing on. I thought this was kind of strange at first, but after considering what she meant and pondering it, I realized that the gift that he left me was was dignity in sufferring. This was a very wonderful way to put his passing, and his life on earth, into perspective for me. So I ask you, what "gifts" did Deb give you as she was going through her journey toward eternal life?

Love and Blessings!

That is indeed something to ponder ! She showed me courage, strength & determination in the struggle to go to Heaven ! I could quite literally fight to get out of her body ! Impressive - I should face my own "crossing" with such courage ! Thank you for that insight - Be Blessed my Sister !

It has been 2 weeks now since Deb "crossed over" or as a musician might sing "She broke on through to the other side"! While the pain of this event has dulled somewhat, the reality of it still has not quite set in - things still seem so "surreal". I still come home almost expecting her to be there, I play my guitar at all hours 1/2 expecting her to tell me to "Quit that & come to bed !" I have noticed that my "hours of operation" are changing & that my "feeding schedule" has changed. I am begininng to realize a deep loneliness that comes from no longer being around someone whom you've become quite attached & accustomed to being around. Now I live in a truly "empty nest". I have been told that it will get better. I am told that this too must pass. I am told that "all will be well with your Soul". But, in the mean time it hurts. In the mean time I feel so all alone, even in a room full of people. In tha mean time I must remind myself that this too must pass ! That all is indeed well with my Soul ! That I WILL get through this !

Well, it has been 1 month. I am still here ! And I finally know what I need to do ! I am taking a trip to Butler, PA. Our 36th wedding anniversary will be the 18th this month. We were married in Butler. I think that it is appropriate that what we "started" 36 years ago should "end" in the same place ! I am going back & will transplant a small tree from our yard in her honor & in her memory. I will include some of her "ashes" in the soil. She will kinda live on in this way. I think that will help bring Peace & a sense of real closure. She is & will be missed for a long time. It is now time to rest my girl, time to rest in Peace. I will seek my Peace in living.

Keith - what a beautiful and symbolic trip. Please post updates as the trip unfolds. Travel safely and continue Peace in living . . .

Thank you ! I will try !

Below are the notes from my recent pilgrimage to PA. I promised Deb that we would one day go "back home" together to visit friends & Family. I kept this promise, albeit not as originally planned ! I planted a tree in her memory on my family's farm in Butler County PA. Enjoy !
Day 1
I'm not sure that I can "report" everyday, but today was spent driving in the rain in western WA & ending up in a very rainy Twin Falls Idaho ! Attached are 2 pictures of one of the most beautiful sights I have ever seen ! These pics do not do it justice ! The "sunset"pic was brilliant ! The sun just hovering on the horizon, the rays quite literally painting the freshly harvested grain field ! The contrasts between the golden brightness where the sun illuminated & pitch blackness where the sun did not were uncanny ! The 2nd pic is that of a dbl rainbow. Again, the pic does not reveal the clarity of the colors against the darkened sky ! Please note the brightness of the field in the forefront & then imagine the entire field just across the street ! The sunset was taken out my right side window toward the back & the rainbow out the front ! I was totally awestruck by being sandwiched between these glorious shots of nature !

Most of my journey today was spent talking to God & myself - praying, yelling, ranting, yeah, mostly ranting ! I anticipate more of the same tomorrow as I pull into Denver. I pray that it does not rain anymore !! I want to dry out some !!

You all have a great day !!

Day 2
Real quick - I'm tired ! (for a change !) Basically, I left Twin Falls at 6ish, it rained all the way to sw Idaho, where it turned to snow til I hit sw Wyoming at 5ish ! There were some intermittent "dry times", very few ! I have a few pics that I will send later !
My van made it all the way to the exit in the north of Denver where I was meeting my Sister-in -Law, when I heard a loud "Bang" come from under the hood ! My power steering pump blew out - again !! Had it towed to Firestone to hopefully get fixed PROPERLY in the morning ! Pray they can tend to it immediately.
Day 3
The van was fixed today !! After an unexpected extended stay at Jim & Michelle's, I finally got back on the road again ! Jim & Michelle were very gracious in altering their plans to help accommodate my emergency. It reminds me what "Family" is all about ! Thank you again !!
As luck would have it, I hit the road at the same time of Fridays "Rush Hour" traffic ! It was a slow move through the greater Denver area, but not nearly as bad as Seattle & not even close to the Nisqually-JBLM parking lot !! I arrived in Pueblo, got a room & headed out to "Mom's House" ! It was dark, & the "New & improved" traffic remodel had me just about lost ! After finding my way around, I found the house. Nobody home, it is Friday night at the races after all ! I left a bag of coffee, a nice note & the DVD of the Memorial Service.I hope my sister calls or shows up. If not, I am going to hang around an extra day & try one more time to see her.
Day 4

Well, Enid OK is very pretty town with a wonderful museum & a nice city park, where I am pleased to announce (Stan) that I pulled Annie out of her case & played to a gaggle of geese !! & they didn't tip very well either ! (see pic ! What a gaggle huh !?!?) Some people wandered around to listen some, they didn't tip either ! My friend Eileen & I went there to hang out before we went to see her brother, one of my oldest & dearest friends. He "isn't doing very good these days". she explained, & she was right ! I was saddend to see his continued, well, his continued "not doing so good". I am grateful for the headsup she gave me, it softened the blow ! Please just "shoot an arrow prayer in the air" for him - Thanks !I
I got on the road at 3:00ish, pulled into Lawrence,KS about 6:30ish with not much to report.Kansas is somewhat flat, but still has it's own beauty ! However, that's probably why I missed my turn to Kansas City & ended up in Topeka ! I-35, I-335 - come on. whats just one more 3 ?? Oh, about 65 miles give or take !! I think that my rantings are calming down & I am beginning to get a little feedback from Dad now ! This could start to get more interesting , however it is also extremely personal right now. Maybe there is a song coming on !?!
I'm going to try for PA tomorrow - well, let me check Google Maps 1st -- Later !
Day 5
As you can see from the pic I passed through St.Louis today.I almost thought that it was just another McDonalds, but I noticed there was only 1 arch & it wasn't golden ! Exciting trip ! Watching the the countryside turning from mts. to plains & high desert to rolling hills, the trees of my youth, elms,oaks,weeping willows and those huge maples with leaves changing into various shades & colors !! Beautiful ! As I was going through IIlionis, I learned where dandy lions came from ! The other pic is a field of dandy lions that were not harvested for transplant to other locations in the country ! These were left behind as seed for next years crop ! I always wondered where these pretty yellow flowers were grown ! Now I know ! This field is also part of a local winery where they produce the finest "Dandy Lion Wine" (misspellings were on purpose)
I missed my exit in Dayton OH to pull over for the night, so I am somewhere around Columbus. I am a day late to celebrate the "Founder's Day"!! This place makes the best "Italian" & a lot of it !! I must make it a point to show up next year !
I am getting excited about "going home" ! A fine Hoagie awaits me ! The Burger Hut ! Pirogies ! Steeler Nation !! Rock on !! I hope my little tree survives -- doesn't look too good ! Talked with some family & friends - all will be well with my soul ! I should get in around noonish - get settled for a minute & then ----
More later ! Hope all is well with you all - I do miss seeing you guys !
Stay Salty !
Day 6
Bwa=ha-ha !! Welcome to Friday the 14th !!!! Scared yet ? I am !!! My computer didn't/couldn't load all 3 pics - I will try again but I won't hold my breath !
Today, I went to town early see to the my friend Becky Johnson. Her husband,Bob,was one of my best friends back in the day. He died somewhat unexpectedly on the 4th of July this year at age 58. He & I shared the same birthdate, however a year apart. I was his "older brother from a diffrent mother !" Bob & I (with several others in & out) lived in what became known as the infamous "Little House". Becky & I shared our stories, shed a few tears & caught up some (I will post a pic when I get it from Becks-when ??) Her business office is right down the street from the "Original Hoagie Shop" (2nd pic) That loction has been there practically unchanged for at least 45 yrs - probably many more yrs than that ! I had to stop in & get a "Brunch" steak hoagie - yummy !! But, as this day progressed, I ate waayyy too much !!!! My bad !! I took my hoagie, drove down the street to my old neighborhood on Wood St.,(yesterday's pic) got out & stood on the banks of my childhood crick !! The brush had grown up so much I couldn't find where we used to "sled" across. At least not with any certainty !!
The 2nd pic is of the church that I was rised in, Baptized in & began my rebellion in ! Much history here ! I just parked & sat there, it is a very familiar sight, the stained glass, the smooth gray stone face - the yellow brick that finished up the back of the building, the brick street alleyway -- . I can clearly see in my minds eye standing on those steps outside the big red doors shaking hands with my fellow worshippers as my Pastor encouraged me with a hug & a smile. I knew that one day I would be a Minister ! It was shortly after these days that my Pastor relocated, through the act of some "church politics". Then I focus on the small door in the alley where just a year or so later I would sneak out the back,go to the corner store & spend my offering money on candy. It was a short yr after that when I would sneak out with a couple others to smoke until finally I wouldn't go in the doors at all - ever again -- I was almost 13. Being here at this time in my life, under these circumstances is, well, I'm not quite sure just what it is just yet !
I pick up my buddy Kyle, we get coffee, ride around, hang out. At 6 I meet Deb's sister & my 2 Bro-in-laws for dinner - Mexican it is - & it is good ! Oh, did I mention that I ate waayyy too much today ?? I gotta stop this !!
Day 7
I started the day out with an exploration of Cranberry & all points north & east of here ! In other words, I was looking for alternative routes outta here ! I had nothing planned until 1:00 my time. so I drove around for a few hours ! The weather was clear, windy & very W.PA Fall as I remember it ! In the 50's, brisk wind, the smell of leaves & the colors of fall everywhere ! (not to mention the Black & Gold of the Steeler Nation proudly flying everywhere !!) There is no more beautiful place in the world than Western PA in the Autumn ! I stopped at a used guitar store on Rt. 8 south of town. I love the smell of vintage guitars ! If history has a smell, that would be as close to it as I can imagine ! After a brief walk around the small shop & headed to the Army Surplus store to purchase a small military style shovel that folds down into a small carry case. It is a useful tool to keep on hand, but it had a special task task for today. As the hands on the clock pushed close to the 1:00 hr. I headed out to the farm. My Aunt Martha & cousin Nancy were home from the festival at a church in Saxonburgh waiting for me at the door as I arrived. I brought my tree, my shovel & about a "pint of -----" well, you know -- I went in & sat for a while & we discussed where to plant the tree & also "When would you like to eat Keith"? Like I mentioned before,my Aunt doesn't cook at home much any more, but she wanted to make sure I was well fed while I was here !! As she prepared her "Hamloaf"(mmmmm YUMMY MMMMMMM !!!!!!!) Nancy & I went out to check where to plant. Aunt Martha came out shortly & said "Over here a little more"--I say "Here"? "Yes, that's about right !" So, I dug the hole, put in some ashes, fresh dirt, the tree, more dirt & then a gallon of water. A quick prayer asking that the tree will grow into a mighty Oak, I fold my shovel & say "I'll see ya later ! Grow up big & strong now !" Aunt Martha said she would put a small fence around it & water it faithfully ! That's what Family is all about ! After eating a wonderful mid afternoon dinner of Hamloaf, potatoes, gravy, corn & cupcakes I take my leave. It is now about 3:30. Service is at 6:00 at St.Mark's Lutheran Church, the "family church " of the Bachman clan for -- well, a very long time. I planned to attend with them this night & I am very glad that I did ! I arrived a little late, nothing new there unless I am on the music team. I find Martha & Nancy I sit with them. I became reaquainted with my cousin Marvin & his wife Maggie. They recently lost their son to cancer. He was in his late 30's/early 40's. It was good to offer comfort & support as I was receiving the same from them.This is a very "Family" thing, a very wonderful thing. The sermon addresses the issue of "Walking the Talk". The Pastor tells of a woman he knows who recently lost her husband in a rather untimely way. One minute he is mowing the lawn & the next, he is just dead ! He shares what this dear sister had shared with him when they talked about the incident. She tells the Pastor " I believe that God spoke to me that day. He told me that "when you talk the talk, one day you will be expected to walk the walk". She explained that all her life she believed that the Lord was by her side, guiding her in times of confusion & turmoil, giving her Peace in times of strife. Now she needed to believe He was comforting her in times of sorrow. She talked about the goodness of God & now she was now required to "walk her talk." This sermon touched me as I too am in the position of decision. Do I believe the "talk I talk" ? If so, I will need to "walk the walk". I believe this journey that I have embarked upon is showing me just that - "Here I am walking Lord, do you see me walking?"

Day 8
This is a "quickie"- my time on the internet is limited today. The pics above are 1 of my friend Kyle who acted as my "Tour Guide" (as well as good friend & fellow consumer of fine Hoagies ! I couldn't remove the duplicate, so you can look at him 2ce !!) The other is the "Fenced & Flowered Memorial Tree". (the new & improved version !) Once again I encourage her to grow !! My Aunt Martha & Cousin Nancy took me out to eat tonight - very nice of them, I know I gained all my weight back !! But, they are confident that I am now healthy & well fed ! God Bless them ! & again, God Bless my new found family from Deb's side ! (& thank you !) One of the "unintended consequences" in sharing the experience of the death of a loved one is the Unity it stirs in those left behind to mourn together forming a tie that binds ! God is a Good God -
I said my goodbyes to my dear loved ones ! I know now that I really do have Friends & Family who care about me as I have always cared about them ! This is a much needed reassurrance. When I left "Home" in '76, I believed that I had burned most of my bridges, I thought that any family that were here had long ago wished me "Good Riddance"- thank God I was wrong ! I am so sorry ---
After enjoying the company of other family members in Erie PA tomorrow,the Pilgrimage will be 1/2 over. My return to my "Adopted Homeland" is before me. I look forward to the return voyage that promises to be filled with exciting adventures & tales of slaying new found Dragons that lay in wait for me ! But, I will raise my Shield of Faith & battle through with my Sword in the Spirit to return to my Friends & Family there ! God is a Good God !

Day 9
I am in Missoula,MT & my horse smells the barn !! It took all that is within my to get her to pull into the Motel 6 ! (They did leave the light on for me ! Good thing too, I am tired !) I should be home Saturday afternoon though ! As you can see in the pics that SD has a sunrise ! A beautiful one it is too ! I took one pic in my rearview mirror & now I can't find it ! The cell phone reception was terrible today ! I dropped so many calls ! I also lost a couple pics as they did not send properly - arrggghhhh !!! technology ! (dont'cha just love it ?!?) I stopped in Sturgis SD for bkfst. Kinda looks like where Brando did the movie "The Wild One" ! Imagine that ! A whole town being taken over by a bunch of Bikers ! From the looks of things they never left ! It was a nice town & almost a "mecca" for bikers everywhere ! I know Smitty & his Brave Crew of "Crusaders" head there every August(right - August ?) In fact, I think that J5OM should play there next year ! That would make 2 things in August that are positive !
As I get closer to home, I begin to think about my "new normal". Just what will "it" be ? Will it be me at all ? This is the new reality that I must begin to focus on.Family on Deb's side encouraged me to "keep busy" to help avoid getting depressed. Good advise, that I will certainly pursue. But in which direction ? Others have suggested that I avoid making any "critical decisions" for at least 6 mos. Again, good advise that I will endeavour to follow. I have a few ideas that are worthy of deeper consideration. I think I will need the counsel of my "advisors" for these, so look out you "Advisors" -- I'll be home soon ! I'll contact you as soon as I can focus my thoughts.
Kyle gave me a CD for my trip home. There is a song on this CD that is -- powerful is the only word to describe it - POWERFUL ! I must have cried from Sturgis to Gillette,WY !! Well, off & on anyway ! I am going to learn this song & cover it -- the chorus goes something like this - "I am the Way ! I am the Dark inside the night ! I hear your cries, I feel your dreams, in the night I hear your screams ! Don't turn away, just take my hand when you take your final stand ! I am here, I'll never leave ! All I ask is that you Believe !" I know for sure where Deb is & I know where I am going - I wrestled with doubt during this entire trip. Always questioning just what I did believe. Just what was my role in these events - when I listened to this song, really listened to it - it left me with no doubt ! God designed music to cut through all of my soulish garbage. All of my self-doubt & self - pity ! Music is indeed the God created "vehicle" to transport His reality into our souls.
I look forward to seeing you all soon !
Stay Salty !
Day10
As I click the heels of my black tennis shoes ! There is no doubt in my mind that WA State have some of the rudest drivers in the country ! With the possible exception of "Chicago Land" that is ! I speak with the knowledge & experience of having just driven through 14 different states & some of them more than once !
As you can see from the pic, (See Peggy ? This is rain !!) I am "Home"! Safe & sound ! I will settle in & then hit the open mic -- I think I have a song to share !(that would be at Olympic Crest Coffee Roasters on Pacific in Lacey ! 6:00-9:00 !)
I gotta tell ya, this has been quite an experience - now to assess my new "reality" ! As I gain some knowledge or insight, any "heavy revies" or whatever, I'll share ! In the mean time, thanks for sharing my "Pilgrimage" - I'll let you know how it ends !
Stay Salty !!

Thank you ! She'll need all the prayer she can get ! As I read through my trip, I realize that I lost several days ! I was gone 19 days & I chronicled everyday, I don't where the others went ! Oh well, you get the highlights ! Now that I am getting reaquainted with my new reality I am noticing these little things - hey - thanks for caring !
Blessings !

It has now been 6 months. While I still miss Deb, and I can still see her "shadow on the wall", life is getting better ! I have met a wonderful woman whom I just adore ! We get along well & are beginning to make plans for the future.I don't know where this new path in life is taking me right now, but I am beginning to enjoy the ride ! I still seek to counsel of friends & also feel a need for some continued "professional" counseling. I will find it -- but for now, God Bless us everyone as He leads & guides our steps ! Never give up hope - it is all we really ever have !

Thank you for responding ! I will e-mail soon & see what we can arrange. Currently I only have medicaid for insurance & I'm not sure it covers counseling. Lack of finance has kept me from finding out sooner. So, thanks again !

1 yr ago today was the "Eye of the Storm". On the 13th, Deb finally agreed to go to the Dr. to find out why she couldn't have a "movement". As I shared before, "fibroids" created an obstruction that pressed against her bowel. After a good "cleaning out", she experienced some relief. This time last year, she was a "healthy 55 yr old woman" who could once again have a "movement"! It was the following day, the 15th, tomorrow - that our world began to change dramatically. She received a phone call from the Dr saying the biopsy of the fibroid tissue was cancer. 3 little words, 13 little letters, changed everything ! 36 years of marriage coming to an end. A lifetime of living momentarily shattered ! As I hugged her I said "We'll get through this too Honey - we'll get through this too"! But, I sensed deep inside me that this was only the beginning of the end. Sure, we believed the diagnosis was wrong, someone surely made a mistake ! She was only 55 ! She never gets sick ! ---- I will stop now. I have dreaded having to re-live these memories, experience these feelings once again.- it was hard enough the 1st time ! Now that I am working to develop a new relationship in my life, I can't start getting depressed ! I have to move through this ! I have a counseling appt,--- in April ! I will talk to friends, I will "bandage the wound" & go on -- Thanks for being here --

It is now Sept. 5th. 1 year has past & I am feeling much more at peace. Not just with the "situation", but truly within myself.On Aug 30th, the anniversary date, I delivered donuts to the Chemo patients & mostly the staff at GHC. They were & are "Angels of Mercy" still doing the hard job of "living with dying". I then bought a single Rose & went to the Puget Sound where I spread some of Deb's remains, said a prayer, floated the Rose & said "Goodbye". I know I will always have memories & feelings, but I believe that I can now get on with my life. I know that Deb would have wanted that for me. I have met a wonderful woman who has agreed to become my Wife & I believe Deb would have approved.We will get married on Sept.21st ! As it turns out, that would be my Grandparent's Anniversary ! God does move in "mysterious ways"!I will return here periodically & remember the good times with the bad - after all, it is all a part of who I am ! Be Blessed !